Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Queen James

I want to get the benefit of every close call. I want to take as many steps as I want when driving to the hoop. I want to snarl and pound my chest when I get yet another bogus continuation call. I want to grimace every time I'm touched. I want everyone to talk about how great my numbers are despite how bad my teammates are. I want everyone to talk about how much better I make my teammates after talking about how bad my teammates are. I want to be Queen James...not that there's anything wrong with that.

2 minutes on Queen James
by TheNobleSavage
Maybe its his horrific underbite. Or the constant nailbiting. Or maybe its his strange little ogre ears. I cannot stand Queen James. His oh so holier than thou face he puts on when he knows he just got a call because he's the "Annointed One" or when he's gotten away with a horribe travel. No Queen James, I AM NOT A Witness.

2 minutes on Queen James
By HighTimeForCrime
Lebron is never as good as 1) he should be and 2) he thinks he is. He is no doubt a freak of nature, but every time he drives to the hoop and slams it in or sinks a three from the outside, you say “yeah, but that’s what’s supposed to happen.”
He’s too wrapped up in being a global icon to be the best ever. He’s trying to make his name synonymous with a globally recognized brand. But he’ll never be as good as Jordan because he’s not concentrating on basketball as much as he should.

2 minutes on Queen James
By DoNoUhOh

I know he’s beating us but I’m honestly not that impressed with him. I can’t really explain it. I see him getting the big numbers. And he was certainly draining shots at will in game 2. But it doesn’t feel right. I don’t like the way he always has to check his mouth to see if its bleeding. Over and over again checking. You only get three quick looks. No blood? Put your hand down. And I didn’t like how mad he got, like he was legitimately angry to near tears when Haywood fouled him. That was not a flagrant two by the way. Queen he is.

Monday, April 21, 2008

What's Wrong With the Wizards

Down 2-0 to Queen James. It hurts. Its our curse.

2 minutes on What’s Wrong With the Wizards
By DoNoUhOh

Before Game 2 I was extremely confident that the Wizards would prevail. We were so clearly the better team. If only we had made a couple of those open threes in the 4th quarter it would’ve been a near blowout. And then Game 2 happened. Our heads weren’t in it, like we were afraid that we had talked ourselves into trouble. Swagger gone. Toughness gone. Chemistry gone. And I hate to say it but I think Arenas is a big part of the problem. All of a sudden Caron isn’t quite Caron anymore. He’s wondering if he’s still the man and we need him to still be the man. Arenas just needs to be that sparkplug guy and energy spurt guy.

2 minuts on What's Wrong With the Wizards
by TheNobleSavage

It's Caron. But it's Caron because of Gil. Gilbert's return has completely messed with everyone's head. With him on the floor no one knows what role they're supposed to play. Caron, our go to guy, now seems lost and unsure of himself when Gil is out there. And Gil thinks he actually is an assassin who can shoot from anywhere. Totally throwing everyone and everything off, he's become more selfish since the playoffs started.

2 minutes on what’s wrong with the wizards
By HighTimeForCrime
I dunno, it’s just not adding up. Our bench was supposed to be deep, Jamison and Caron were supposed to do what they do, and Gil was gonna be Super sub.
We have no defense. After looking like we should have won game 1, we didn’t even look like a playoff team in game 2. The worst part was, no one had that look that said they were gonna take charge of the team and will us to victory; who’s gonna step up?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Antawn Jamison

Antawn Jamison looks like the nicest human being in the entire world. He also seems to get hit in the face more than anyone I’ve ever seen before.

He’s proven he can put a team on his back, carrying the offensive workload in Golden State. He’s proven he can come off the bench and be the most productive at that role in the league during his 6th Man of the Year campaign with Dallas. And in Washington he‘s the glue guy, the guy that keeps the team together, doing all the little things no one notices.

His name is also a misspelling in the records. His parents actually did mean to call him Antwan but kept it spelled as it was because they felt it was more unique. But then they kept the pronunciation of Antwan. I don’t think you’re allowed to do that Antawn.

Without further ado: Mr. Consistency (since when was that ever a bad thing?) himself, the team MVP of the Washington Wizards for the 2007-2008 season, our two minutes on Antwan Jamison…I mean Antawn Jamison.


2 minutes on Antawn Jamison
By HighTimeForCrime

Some of the voters will get it right this year in the MVP race. Not many, but some. I’m not talking about the winner. I’m not even talking about the top 3. I’m talking about the 5-10 range. That’s where you should find Antawn Jamison.
He kept our team together as best he could, playing with rookies, undeveloped big men, and streaky scorers , but he had the ultra dependable Deshawn Stevenson who is $$.


2 minutes on Antawn Jamison
By DoNoUhOh

I would choose him as the MVP of the Wizards. I think he contributes more wins than either Caron Butler or a healthy Gilbert Arenas. All this despite the fact that he’s the third fiddle on the team. That’s what makes it so perfect. What kind of a player averages 20 and 10 despite the fact that most of the time he gets the ball at the three point line if its within the flow of the offense. Most of his inside game is about quick tips and rebounds with this long arms and fast hands. He doesn’t even jump. Its incredible what he can do and will continue to do because he has found a way to play that does not rely on athleticism but on superior smarts and intangibles.

Deshawn Stevenson

Once upon a time the Washington Wizards had a player by the name of Jared Jefferies who played shooting guard. Once upon a time Wizards fans liked Jared Jefferies despite his offensive limitations because he had good intangibles, hustled and played defense. And then he was replaced by Deshawn Stevenson. A man who actually plays defense. A man who is a wee bit crazy, just right for our other crazy superhero Agent Zero. A man who randomly decided to become a good 3 point shooter in the middle of the season. He is the locksmith.

2 minutes on Deshawn Stevenson
By HighTimeForCrime
Deshawn is finally becoming who Deshawn was meant to be. It just took a little faith by a team, and he would render his marvelous skills night in and night out.

2 minutes on Deshawn Stevenson
By DoNoUhOh

Deshawn has finally become what he was supposed to be out of high school. It is as if he (editors note: that was just five two letter words in a row, I’m stunned) suddenly decided to be good. The best, and craziest, part is that his career year is coming in the first year of his new big contract. As in he’s actually rewarding the team by getting better even after they paid him. I love that. It doesn’t happen often enough. Deshawn also has that all important swagger that can get you through a playoff series. You hear that Lebron? You’re overrated.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Pacman Jones

Pacman Jones belongs in Dallas. Dallas is a safe haven for criminals, degenerates and stereotypical thuggish athletes. They developed Michael Irvin's drug addiction in Dallas. They imported Tank Johnson's guns. They drafted Quincy Carter's coke problem. They took a flier on TO's psychologically decimated brain. And now they are doing their best to trade for Pacman Jones and his problem with breaking every law he knows about.

2 minutes on Pacman Jones
By HighTimeForCrime
There’s not a chance Pacman can survive in Dallas. Each one of those little dots in the original Pacman game is a strip club in downtown Dallas.

2 minutes on Pacman Jones
By DoNoUhOh

All the man did was make it rain. Can you really fault him for that? I mean making it rain is probably the most badass thing you can possibly do. And then all hell broke loose and a guy got shot and it turned out that Pacman Jones is a crime spree. And then we learned that he can’t stay out of trouble even when he’s trying. Makes you wonder. Yeah maybe Pacman is unfairly singled out sometimes like when he got pulled over for not having a license. But still come on its ridiculous. How much bad shit are you doing and getting away with if you are getting caught that often.

2008 NFL Draft

That whole scene where super jacked young men perform physical feats and get measured by less jacked old men called the the NFL Combine has already passed. That means its Draft season. Where all predictions are made and all predictions manage to be completely wrong:


2 minutes on the 2008 NFL Draft
By DoNoUhOh

I’m pretty excited at the prospect of the number 1 pick being someone I’ve met, Chris Long. That’s pretty crazy right? A nice little factoid to toss out at your local cocktail party or wherever it is that people toss out little factoids like I’ve met the number draft pick in the NFL. Unfortunately Other Long will probably go in front of him. So my man Chris will be left as merely a top 3 or top 5 pick. Still a multimillionaire but no longer part of my little factoid repertoire.

2 minutes on the top of the 2008 NFL draft
By HighTimeForCrime
I don’t think you’re gonna see anyone trade out of the first few spots.
Miami takes OT Jake Long at the top. You pair him with Samson Satele at C and free agent signing G Justin Smiley and ROT Vernon Carey , you’ve actually got a pretty decent line, and it’s being taught by Sparano, Dallas’s O-line coach from last year.

Dirk Nowitzki

He is the Germanator. He is really tall. He shoots nasty threes. His ankles are freakishly flexible allowing him to sprain his ankle every other week and give his knee a good twist (kind of gross) every once in awhile without ever missing more than a few games. He is the Germanator, Power Forward for the Dallas Mavericks. Super Hero or Super Zero?

2 minutes on Dirk Nowitzki
By HighTimeForCrime
It’s not that I don’t think he’s good. It’s just that I remember the ‘06 NBA Finals when Dirk’s Mavs were up 2-0 on the Heat and ended up dropping 4 straight games to lose the title.
And I just thought he was so unclutch. Like, anytime in those 4 games would’ve been a good time for Dirk to turn it on. But he missed his opportunity. And trading for Kidd while mortgaging the future was not the answer to Dallas’s problems. Their time has passed.


2 minutes on Dirk Nowitzki
By DoNoUhOh

I’m not gonna call Nowitzki a pansy. At least I don’t think I’m going to. I’m pretty conflicted about Dirk. On the one hand he’s got a pretty decent first name. On the other hand he’s the best player on a team that has pulled massive chokejobs on multiple occasions. On the one hand he’s a unique superstar the likes of which we have never truly seen before. On the other hand he frequently looks like he is going to cry and had to accept his MVP trophy after being upset by a number 8 seed.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Gheorghe Muresan

Notable for his extreme height, Gheorghe Muresan was much more than just a tall man. To those close to him he was known for being far more complex than the gregarious giant he was for the public. He would occasionally enter dark moods and frequently kept to himself, preferring being alone to facing the bright glare of the public eye. Here at Drink Your Tough Juice we will not be able to shed any light whatsoever on the complex sides of Gheorghe Muresan, 7'7" former center for the Washington Bullets.

2 minutes on Gheorge Muresan
By HighTimeForCrime
One of the sweetest moments in my life: 4 years ago I was at Joe’s Pizza and Pasta and I was looking outside to someone ducking under the awning. I was like whoa that’s weird, cuz that’s like 7 feet high. Then I realize it’s Gheorge Muresan. When he walked in I asked for his autograph. He gave it to me but I could tell he didn’t really want attention. Whelp, that’s what happens when you’re the tallest player in NBA history.

2 minutes on Gheorghe Muresan
By DoNoUhOh

He is one of those guys I always felt vaguely sorry for. He just always seemed like more of a spectacle than a basketball player. But I don’t give him enough credit. He was legit good for a little while. It was his feet that betrayed him not a lack of talent. Many a huge man has met the same fate. And as for being a spectacle. Maybe he was that too. He got paid though and paid handsomely. Haven’t heard from him in awhile. I hope he’s doing okay. I hope he’s living back home like a king, living off the fruits of his youthful labors.

Dominic Hasek

It is that time of year again. The weather is warm. The sun is out. The birds are singing. The thunderstorms make the weather all eery. We remember that there are a bunch of flowers that bloom that smell like the elephant house at the zoo no matter how pretty they look. And we start paying attention to the sport played on ice. Maybe we love playoff hockey because it is a good reminder of how much life kicks ass when its warm out compared to the icy premise of that sport someone used to care about. Probably not but maybe. Here is our two minutes on one of playoff hockey's top performers Dominic Hasek, goalie for the Detroit Red Wings:

2 minutes on Dominic Hasek
By HighTimeForCrime
He is still so incredible. He’s arguably the best goalie in NHL history, and at 43 he’s still doing it just about as good as anyone on any given night. I was thinking, goalies have to by far be the most flexible athletes in all of American professional sports.
I was also thinking that goalies are comparable to pitchers in baseball. They’re basically the only guy on the pitch that matters. A pitcher can pitch a perfect game or no-hitter, while a goalie can post a shutout; if they’re the best player in the game, you’re probably going to win.

2 minutes on Dominic Hasek
By DoNoUhOh

Dude is old but he’s still money. He’s still doing all that rubber band man Dominator stuff he used to do back in the Buffalo days when he was as close to perfect as you could be. He was a one man team from the goalie position. He was Pedro Martinez at his most dominant. I knew who he was and wanted to see him perform. And I’m no hockey fan. He’s still around now kicking ass as a Red Wing. The Red Wings. What a franchise. Too bad its hockey. Playoff hockey baby!

Aaron Rodgers

We apologize for our recent absence. It is because HighTimeForCrime had an A Capella concert. But have no fear. We are back. Here to discuss the man behind the man, the myth, the legend, we present our two minutes on Aaron Rodgers:

2 minutes on Aaron Rodgers
By DoNoUhOh

Alas he will remain irrelevant. Brett Favre, horribly overrated and selfish, will hold true to character and refuse to leave the spotlight. Yes, that’s right, Brett Favre will return as the Packers QB. Or more precisely he will hover around the team as the season begins. Aaron Rodgers will do his best to lead the team with Favre leaning over his shoulder. The Green Bay drones will hate Rodgers as Favre laughs maniacally. Eventually there will be massive clamoring for change even as Rodgers does a decent job and Favre will ride in to save the day, seizing the starting job and leading the team to finish at 6-10 with more game killing interceptions than game winning TD’s.


2 minutes on Aaron Rodgers
By Meast

Rodgers will be nothing to nobody. Its like he won't even be a footnote in Packers history. He will b out of the starting QB job in less than three years. A lot like many Chicago and Washington QBs. Rodgers won't do anyhting next season and the Packers will have a losing season.

2 minutes on Aaron Rodgers
By HighTimeForCrime
Aaron Rodgers was drafted into a kind of shitty circumstance in this league. Brett Favre was a huge dick to him, saying that it wasn’t his responsibility or obligation to mentor Rodgers. Fans will not be very forgiving if Rodgers falters, because they are used to having their golden boy behind center.
I think that has probably taken a toll on him, because the qb’s confidence is way more important than his physical capabilities or understanding of the playbook.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Reggie Wayne

Reginald DeVincey Wayne. Perhaps his parents foreshadowed his artistry on the field. Perhaps The da Vinci Code had nothing to do with the Holy Grail, rather it was intended as a Metaphor of young Reginald’s life. Isn’t that possible? No.


2 minutes on Reggie Wayne
by HighTimeForCrime
Reggie Wayne is just about hitting his prime as Peyton Manning is hitting his prime. Do you realize what this means?
Remember how impressive Manning and Harrison were when Harrison got the catches in a season record . Well now Manning is better, has just as much time with Wayne as he did with Marvin, and Wayne is arguably as good, if not better, a receiver than Harrison, plus he’ll still have Anthony Gonzalez who is coming into his own to draw attention off him.

2 minutes on Reggie Wayne
By DoNoUhOh
Don’t really know that much about Reggie Wayne. That’s because football players as individuals are a lot less accessible than players in most other sports. The NFL makes a conscious effort to keep most of their players anonymous. Meanwhile, the NBA is a league of individuals. Both the NBA and NFL draw their players largely from the same demographic, lower income African Americans. Could it be that part of the reason the NFL is perceived to be so much healthier than the NBA is because it was better at keeping their young black newly minted athletes away from the larger public?

PEZ

What came first PEZ or the PEZ dispenser? It is as timeless a debate as the chicken and the egg (the egg came first you fools!). Here we have today, in the spirit of being fair and balanced, a debate on this issue. A shockingly schizophrenic two minute take on PEZ:

2 minutes on PEZ
by HighTimeForCrime
What a great fucking candy PEZ is. I dunno, I wasn’t ever really the guy who collected all those PEZ dispensers, I frankly thought the candy was a whole lot more delicious-er. Honestly, why do I need to have a Yosemetie Sam Pez dispenser as well as a Sylvester one? They both do the same damn thing, dispense the sweet deliciousness.

2 minutes on Pez
by DoNoUhOh

Pez. Really not that great. It’s the truth. You all know it. Pez dispensers. Incredibly great. How can you not love them? They can be anything. Any random thing you pick up in a knick knack store. Don’t know what it is? It’s a Pez dispenser. For all those Pez you eat. Plus the Pez dispenser played an important role in a very funny episode of Seinfeld. Such a ridiculously useful prop cannot go unrecognized. Still. Pez are not that great. So the purpose of the Pez dispenser is a bit of a mystery which is certainly not entertaining or funny.



How The Wizards Will Make The 2008 NBA Finals

Last night I had a dream that whatever I decreed today would happen. Unfortunately I stayed up really late and slept really late and was kinda busy so I never got to make my decree. Damn ye gods. As a plea to whatever sports god that is out there who decides this sort of thing I present the decree that should have and could have been were it not for my irresponsible sleeping habits (in two minutes):

2 minutes on How the Wizards will make the 2008 NBA Finals
by HighTimeForCrime
First off, we’re 2 games behind the Cavs for the 4th seed, and home court advantage in the first round. Like I’ve said, you gotta go get that. I say the Phone Booth turns into a madhouse if we get full court advantage over the Cavs, facing them for a 3rd straight year.
So we’ll take them, right. Lebron still gets 40 in a few games, they win a couple but we ultimately take the series.
Then it’s our boys the Celtics. And they know we got their number.
I say we face the Pistons or 76ers (don’t count them out, no one knows what the fuck they’re doin) in the Eastern Finals, but you can’t bet against the Wiz in the East.

2 minutes on How the Wizards Will Make the 2008 NBA Finals
By DoNoUhOh

The last time we were this healthy we were the best team in basketball. That was over a year ago. Now we’re healthy again with a new and improved bench, thank you injury curse, and a new and improved crazy amazing sixth man, thank you gilbert arenas for truly being about the winning. You know who is having back problems and has a crappy team anyway? Queen James, our first round opponent. You know who we match up with perfectly and beat three times this season? The Celtics, the best team in the East. So we face the Pistons maybe? I’m sorry but they are not what they once were way back in the day when they actually won something and didn’t just swagger like the

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Brendan Haywood

Here at Drink Your Tough Juice we refer to him as emmy-award winning Brendan Todd Haywood or just Brendan Todd. This is because he is on our team, he is our hometown guy, only we know that his middle name is Todd. How can you not use a middle name like Todd? We won't find the answer here in two minutes but that won't stop us from talking about our boy Brendan Todd Haywood, Master Center of the Washington Bullets:

2 minutes on Brendan Todd Haywood
by HighTimeForCrime
Brendan Todd is the 2nd best center in the Eastern conference, right behind Dwight Howard. His numbers may look modest, averaging around 11 points and 7 rebounds per game. But there are distinct changes in Brendan this year.
He’s finally toughened up on defense. He defends the rim, he positions himself better to get rebounds, he is quick to the perimeter on defense, something quite underrated for a 7-footer to do, he’s increased his free throw percentage dramatically, and he finally brings the kind of aggression to the table that is necessary to intimidate on the inside.


2 minutes on Brendan Todd Haywood
By DoNoUhOh


In the immortal words of Joe Rogan “He’s not a pussy”. At least not anymore. Ever since he ripped out Etan Thomas’ dreadlocks Brendan Todd has become a man. I guess that’s what beating up a teammate can do for you. Especially if that teammate is a poet with a heart problem. Now Brendan Todd is one of the locker room glue guys, a straight man in a locker room full of goofballs. Most importantly though he’s the second best center in the Least and when he exerts himself he is a potential power.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Girls In Maternity Shirts

We've all seen them somewhere. We see a comely girl, perhaps a little round in the cheeks, standing in line for some form of drunk munchies/pregnant woman food. We see she's wearing a nice flowing maternity shirt. We're feeling gregarious and we like babies and stuff so we saunter on over until at the last second we see the truth. She is just some unpregnant girl. In her going out clothes. We figure rubbing her stomach may not be appropriate so we turn on our heels and walk away. Its the Unpregnant Girl In A Maternity Shirt or the UGIAMS.

2 minutes on girls in maternity shirts
By DoNoUhOh

Ladies, you really screwed up on this one. If you aren’t pregnant don’t be wearing maternity shirts. I don’t care that they are trendy. They look terrible. Girls say they hide any possible blemishes or whatever. Yeah they do. They make all of you look fat rather than just those little places that no guy can even see or comprehend. To guys those types of shirts signal “I am pregnant”. We use those types of signals to function. We need those types of signals to be trustworthy. Without them we are lost. And you ladies have made us that much more lost through your misguided wardrobe choice.


2 minutes on (non-pregnant) girls in their maternity shirts
by HighTimeForCrime
Alright I don’t get it. Is it a fashion statement? That can’t be right. Look it’s not that there’s anything wrong with you actually being pregnant, it’s that if someone makes a slip up and thinks you are you go all ballistic.
Those shirts suck as a fashion statement, they have function, but they weren’t meant to necessarily look good.

Ernie Grunfeld

Around here we simply call him "Ernie". He's like a good neighbor. State Farm is there.

2 minutes on Ernie Grunfeld
by HighTimeForCrime
You’re crazy if you can’t appreciate the job that Grunfeld has done in D.C. He’s brought in 3 all-stars (which included pulling off the most unlikely trade of the decade ‘till the Pau Gasol deal…hmm also involving Kwame Brown), wisely knew when to not re-sign Larry Hughes even though everyone wanted him to, and has drafted and signed a bench that now has almost a season’s worth experience. Things are looking good right now going into the playoffs. They gotta push for home court advantage vs. the Cavs.

2 minutes on Ernie Grunfeld
by DoNoUhOh

It just occurred to me that I don’t know what Ernie Grunfeld looks like. I picture him as a Stan Van Gundy look a like. I don’t know if this is based on any reality but Ernie Grunfeld should look like Stan Van Gundy. The other interesting thing about Ernie is that he is dangerously close to being one of those guys I just trust even if I disagree with what they’re doing. Did I disagree with not keeping Larry Hughes? Yes. Did I disagree with letting Jared Jeffries go? Yes. Great moves. I trust him to be smarter than me and everyone else. Plus he got us our namesake, Tough Juice, in exchange for Kwame Brown.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Tiger Woods

I think everyone agrees that Tiger Woods is the best golfer ever even if he's a few years away from breaking every single record. His only opponent is history and that opponent can only be beaten through time and patience and the good fortune of avoiding injury. The other thing everyone agrees on is that his wife is smokin' hot. Always nice to have that going for you. Here's our two minutes on el Tigre:

2 minutes on Tiger Woods
by HighTimeForCrime
The man is the best that ever played his sport. I’m not much inclined to call golf a sport, but this man is an athlete if I ever saw one. The best. This doesn’t happen but a couple of times in a generation, if that. We’ve seen Jordan, now we’re seein’ Tiger. THE MAN’S GOT HIS OWN SPORTS DRINK.
He made an old-fogey-playing-plaid-pant-funny-hat-wearing sport popular. Amazing.

2 minutes on Tiger Woods

By DoNoUhOh

There’s not a lot to say about Tiger Woods. He’s the best. Ever. He’s a cold blooded killer, a front runner, an assassin. He’s so good that its news when he loses. He is the next Michael Jordan. I am in awe of him. I feel privileged to be growing up while he plays. I never got the golden years of Jordan. Well I did but not during the years where I could truly appreciate his greatness. He was already the best ever when he entered my consciousness. He’s always been the best in my mind. Tiger Woods is special to me because I get to observe him as he becomes great, solidifies his greatness and proves beyond reasonable doubt that he is the Greatest Of All Time.

2 minutes on Tiger
by JuniorVicePresident
Its time for all this talk of Tiger being the "most dominant athlete ever" to stop. The man is good, but he's a golfer, not an athlete. I would like to think the most dominant athlete ever was generally picked first in playground football (or dodgeball, or capture the flag) and I'm not so sure Tiger was. That being said, he is truly something special. Golf just isn't spectator-oriented enough for his excellence to be properly appreciated. And he's married to a super model.

David Garrard

Some of you may have heard of him. He threw for 18 TDs 3 Ints with a 102.2 QB rating in the big leagues this past season. He had zero fumbles. His name is David Garrard and his numbers describe him well. He doesn't make mistakes. He led a dangerous playoff team. He doesn't get a lot of fanfare. Now for our David Garrard-like two minutes:

2 minutes on David Garrard
By DoNoUhOh

Who knew he was gonna be so nasty? Well I think the Jaguars did. Good foresight by them. Actually, we’ve been hearing a lot of whispers about this guy for a few years now. About how he’s an incredible backup and how hopefully he gets a real shot as a starter. Well he got that shot and he had a great season. He was spectacularly solid. That is something that is highly underrated in the quarterback market. There is a lot of raving and obsessing over big arms and big men, fast legs and wonderlic. Being amazingly solid, not messing up and just getting the job done is amazing. Tom Brady is a man who is incredible at not sucking and that’s what makes him great so why not David Garrard.

2 minutes on David Garrard
by HighTimeForCrime

Dude is the man. Was it a good idea to release the overweight and injury prone Byron Leftwich before last season? Really?! Was that the question? 18 td’s compared to 3 picks on the season
Yes, he has one of the better backfield tandem in Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor, but Garrard is more than simply a “game manager”. Game managers (read: Trent Dilfer) try their best not to fuck up games. Garrard makes excellent decisions; knows when to pass it, when to throw it away, and when to run like hell for that first down marker.

2007-08 NBA MVP Race

This has been a good season in the NBA. Ignoring the Leastern Conference, where our beloved Washington Bullets fight the good fight, the Wild West has been the best its ever been. I feel like I could go Stephen A. Smith over this except that I hate Stephen A. Smith and would never ever emulate him in any way if it could at all be helped. Stephen A. Smith is not our 2007-2008 NBA MVP. 2 minutes on who is:

2 minutes on 2007-2008 NBA MVP race
by HighTimeForCrime

My top 3, in order: Garnett, Paul, Kobe.
Garnett changed the entire culture of the Celtics. He restored glory to the NBA’s most revered franchise. He’s tough, he’s intense, he’s a team player, he just wants to win. Plus he’s scary as shit, no one’s gonna fuck with him or do him wrong. He’s this millennium’s Bill Russell, a coach on the court.
Paul gets my second place vote because this team would be nothing without him, as was proven when he went down last year. Yes, they’ve got great weapons (West, Chandler, Peja), but he’s the guy that makes it all happen.

2 minutes on 2007-08 NBA MVP Race
By DoNoUhOh

Everyone has narrowed down the race to Kobe Bryant versus Queen James with a little bit of Chris Paul on the side. Kobe is considered the best all around player on a top level team. Queen James has the most talent and is carrying a mediocre team, similar to Kobe the last few years when he hasn’t won. Then there’s Chris Paul. His team needs him the most. His team has a great shot at winning the West. Plus I hate the selfish Kobe who is finally happy now that his team made one of the most lopsided trades in NBA history. Turns out Kobe was wrong the whole time and the Lakers were getting him help after all. Bitch. I’d say Chris Paul gets my vote but Stephen Jackson is my true MVP hero, crazy motherfucker that he is.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

NCAA Championship: Memphis Vs Kansas

This week is the best sports week of the year they say. Masters. Opening Day or the beginning of baseball. And most importantly the Final Four. This year Memphis will face off against Kansas, to the death. Let the party begin after we weigh in with two minutes each:

2 minutes on the Memphis-Kansas final four
by HighTimeForCrime
You’ve got the two most talented teams in the nation going up against each other. Period. This never happens. You always get that team that has an absurdly streaky shooter, or a super scrappy rebounder, you know that guy that “tries harder than anyone else” (Hansbrough, you ain’t that good).

Memphis-Kansas NCAA Championship
by DoNoUhOh

This is the most apathetic I’ve been about NCAA basketball in recent memory. I can’t really explain it but its been a down year for me. I was clueless filling out my bracket and didn’t even have a strong desire to root for any particular team. I guess at this point I’m rooting for Memphis. This is mostly due to the fact that I actively dislike Kansas and back in the Final Four I also actively disliked UCLA and UNC. Plus Derrick Rose is badass and so is CDR.

Memphis Vs Kansas
by BakeShow
I've got to go with Memphis. The whole season I didn't like them until I saw Derrick Rose play in the tourney. He's by far the best player in the country and will be a superstar in the pros. I thought the Wizards had Memphis' first pick and could get him.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

The 6th Grade

Everyone remembers. Forever. You can never escape and sometimes you don't even want to. It's MIDDLE SCHOOL. It is the first "this is not quite the real world" step we can remember clearly. Those were our formative years. Those were the years we all got fucked up. And 6th grade started it all. Now we must attempt to capture it all in just two minutes, just like we did during all those makeout games that we started playing:


by DoNoUhOh
Man I had nooooo idea what was goin on 6th grade. Those 8th graders were huuuuuuge. I met my best friend. I had my first real kiss, not the drive by kind of the elementary school years. It was the first time I felt old. The first time I realized I was nasty at soccer but was probably never gonna be the basketball star I had always wanted to be. There weren’t all those weird friend’s of convenience anymore. We had parties, we had a social life, we started being sketchy, telling lies and basically training for the day we got to college. It was all in 6th grade. Elementary school was a little world where everything made sense. Middle school was my first view of the bigger world and all the insanity that came with it. I’ve never recovered.

2 minutes on the 6th grade
by HighTimeForCrime

You wanna know the best thing about 6th grade? The fact that they had a salad bar and snack bar. Before that it was just your basic entrée, fries, and milk. For I think $1.10. So yea that was phat.
Also the 8th grade girls. Cuz they were way hot. And the fact that we had sports teams. Which I made a total of none. Except for kinda track 7th grade in which I used it to skip a class and go to the nurse’s office so I would have to turn in my paper.

by lookatmego
Alright. I can remember way back to when I was preparing to make that whole huge jump up into 6th grade. It was exciting and crazy and then i get there and the first thing that I think is that this place sucks. I hated all of middle school, but that goes without saying that SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE. It was more or less a large step up into the thought that 'oh wow the real-er world.' When in fact all it was was a hierarchy of douche bags that most of which I can say I hated at the time. So what I hid from the public. Fuck middle school. I think that it should be changed to make it so that its easier on the kids with only like 2 schools: elementary and High school.

Kelvin Samspon

Today we take a look at someone some of you may know. His name is Kelvin Sampson, not to be confused with Sampson from Half Baked. He has had an illustrious coaching career since 1979 going from the NAIA to D1 schools Washington State, Oklahoma and Indiana. He has even served as President of the NABC, forming the Ethics Committee during his tenure. A pretty stand up guy. Except for his penchant for violating NCAA rules, operating with no ethics whatsoever in the recruitment of Eric Gordon and being run out of town on two occasions for general sketchiness. So two minutes on that:

2 minutes on Kelvin Sampson
by HighTimeForCrime
Was anyone really surprised that Sampson got fired from Indiana for violating NCAA regulations regarding contact with recruits? In fact…isn’t that the same exact reason Oklahoma let him go.
I think he’s an excellent coach, but you can’t have someone with that kind of shitty character leading a bunch of, not men, but teenagers. College basketball players might look like they’re full grown, but emotionally and mentally, the coaches need to be there to guide them through life as well as the playbook.
How can you expect a man with such a disregard for regulations to be able to guide a group of young men.

Kelvin Sampson

by DoNoUhOh

He is a good example of a total piece of shit. Many college coaches are. Rich Rodriguez is another example. I think he is disgusting. I always hate it when college coaches walk out on their teams. I mean these are people who promised 18 year old kids the world. Yeah its business and the kids know that but do they really know that? When you’re 18 do you really understand that your coach doesn’t actually care about you? And then Rich Rodriguez gets mad when WVU tries to hold him to his contract which stipulated a 4 million dollar buyout? What did he think was gonna happen? He disgusts me. So does Bobby Petrino. So does Kelvin Sampson who I used to like. Its just the corrupt nature of NCAA.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Detlef Schrempf

Young Detlef was well known for his flat top haircut and his whiteness. The truth is he should have been known for looking like a wimpy Drago. And his three point shooting and general euro big manness. Meaning he was a bit of a pansy but highly skilled. Of course if all of the above weren't quite true would anyone remember? Here's the two minutes:

2 minutes on Detlef Shrempf
by HightimeForCrime
Isn’t it kinda weird to think that just a shade over a decade ago the Sonics were in the finals. Payton and Kemp were nasty. Shawn Kemp then gained about 100 pounds and fathered several children. Oh reign man, you silly bastard.


2 minutes on Detlef Schrempf

by DoNoUhOh

What an awesome European dude. At least I think he was European. I’m not really sure. I don’t know much about him other than that he was white and badass. And that he was unbelievable in NBA Live 96 or 97 or sometime back in the day of the Sonics not sucking. Those were the days before the evils of Clay Bennet. What is happening in Seattle right now is a travesty and that’s that.

Eddie Jordan

Edward Montgomery Jordan was born 53 years ago and has been getting mistaken for Terrence Howard for at least half of those years. We here at Drink Your Tough Juice do not make that mistake. We respect Terrence Howard's acting ability but he's no Eddie Jordan, and that's a fact. To give Eddie his proper non Terrence Howard due we have devoted two minutes to the fearless coach of the Wizards of Washington (that actually has a nicer ring to it than Washington Wizards I think, maybe we should make a bizarro name change like the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim):

2 minutes on Eddie Jordan
by HighTimeForCrime
Now I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I love Eddie Jordan. It’s a DC native coaching the District’s most successful sports franchise (not counting DC United). That’s how it should be. It’s not about the money, and It’s not about the glory of coaching in the game.
The man is at home, the crowd loves him. Aside from that, he’s the longest tenured coach in the Eastern conference. Do you remember a couple years ago when every coach in the Eastern Conference got fired? Not Eddie.


by DoNoUhOH

Eddie Jordan has been something of a savior to the franchise formerly known as the Washington Bullets. He brought us back to the playoffs for the first time in years and we actually won a playoff series for the first time in my living memory. And now we are a consistent playoff threat, although stuck in the second tier in the Leastern Conference. That being said I’ve had my doubts about him. I guess I was getting greedy. I thought our defense was too awful, because apparently he doesn’t know what defense is, and that we weren’t quite as good as we should’ve been. To me that’s a sign of a coaching problem. But this year is different. This year we have overachieved in light of all our injuries. This year I would put him in the talk for coach of the year despite our mediocre record just for making the players believe they could win even in the face mounting injuries.

Alex Ovechkin

Alex Ovechkin is the pride and joy of the Washington Capitals. It's really too bad that nobody cares about hockey anymore. Such is life:

by DoNoUhOh

I gotta admit that I’m not much of a hockey fan. I know what I know from sportscenter and espn.com headlines and that’s about it. I know more players from the NHL in 96 thanks to my favorite video game than I know players from today. But Alex Ovechkin is the man and I want to go see him play. He’s a once in a generation type whose greatness transcends the sport he plays. Sidney Crosby gets more hype but Ovechkin is the 60 goal man. Ovechkin is the human highlight reel of hockey. Just ask that sliding past the goal on your back, use the shaft of your stick, amazing goal from last season.


2 minutes on Alex Ovechkin
by HighTimeForCrime
Ovechkin lives right around the corner and a block down from Jason. He moved in I think our senior year of high school. Since he had just gotten drafted, we knew he prolly didn’t know anyone in town. That was phenomenal too, cuz that’s when we started boozing. We shoulda gotten fucked up with him.

Candace Parker

Candace Parker, women's bball player extraordinaire, the first Candace Parker who will inspires all the nexts and most importantly the only woman's basketball related person who we would ever devote two minutes to:


by DoNoUhOh

Did you see what Candace Parker did today? She dislocated her shoulder. It looked a lot like Dwyane Wade’s dislocation last year. That sucks. In the Elite Eight. That’s heartbreaking. And then she came back into the game. What? For real? What the fuck? That’s just insanity. That’s toughness on another level. Consider my mind boggled. And then she got bumped and it hurt and she had to leave the game again. Oh there ya go. It’s a bad shoulder. She shouldn’t have been out there. Until she came back again to play in the second half with a brace. She made free throws. Crazy.

2 minutes on Candace Parker
by HighTimeForCrime
Candace Parker is hot. I mean she’s like sexy hot. Long and lean, right. She gets down
She’s also pretty sick on the basketball pitch. She’s got like actual basketball moves. Women’s bball is like so damn boxy and rigid. She plays it like it’s mean to be played. So damn sexy though.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dustin Diamond


I don't even think there is anything to say for our next guest. His reputation never fails to precede him. His fame knows no bounds. But his fortune does. So let me present to you a man who you all know, a tv star who had a top rated show for four years, our most celebrated guest yet: DUUUUUUUUUUUSTIIIIIIIIN DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAMOOOOOOOOND... .... ..... uh...... SCREEEEEEEEEEECH...oooooooooh....uh...yeeeeeeaaah?....fuck this

(in two minutes)

by Meast
I heard that he is a loser now. But that's what happens when you're famous for being a loser on a TV show. That's why he never got that girl he liked in Saved by the Bell. The girl that's in How High. Anyway Dustin Diamond is at least better than Carrot Top. I hate Carrot Top.

2 minutes on Dustin Diamond
by DoNoUhOh

Dustin Diamond was the man as screech. He was everyone’s favorite lovable nerd. He was the white steve urkel but he never got to be Stefan. He was so good at what he did he had to keep going to bayside high and working at bayside high. He never got to leave high school. And that is why he is the biggest piece of shit in the entire world. He sucks. It is hard to imagine someone sucking more. Yes, other celebrities are more fucked up then he is but they don’t suck like he does. Then again imagine if you had never left high school? Wouldn’t you have turned out all screwed up and sucky? The answer is yes but not as sucky as good ol Dustin Diamond

2 minutes on Dustin Diamond
by HighTimeForCrime
I guess I’d be pretty screwed up if I was cast as the social retard all my life. But what a fuckin dick this guy is. I guess it’s the only way people will talk about him. Oh and making a porno doesn’t hurt either. He had that jungle fever with Lisa Turtle. She was oh so fine. But I don’t know what’s a stranger name, Lisa Turtle or Lark Voorhies (that how it’s spelled?).

Will Soccer Ever Catch On In The U.S.

We're soccer fans here at Drink Your Tough Juice. Its a badass sport and its how some of us first met. Back in the day when we were 8 years old, wearing jerseys that were five sizes too big, falling down when we kicked the ball and accidentally bighting future roommates. Now we know some boys going pro and what we really want to know is will our superior entourage skills be translated into millions of dollars and lots of hot castoff. Will soccer ever catch on in the US (in two minutes)?

by DoNoUhOh

It is hard to believe that soccer won’t catch on in the US but then again its hard to believe that soccer hasn’t caught on yet. There are many theories as to why related to the lower scoring games, a misunderstanding of the subtleties of the game and a general distaste for a truly international game. However, the US would seem to be the perfect place for soccer simply because it is a global nation. No country better represents the entire world than the United States.

by Meast

(dictated) Soccer. The most popular sport in the world...except in America. Will it ever catch on? My guess is no. My reason? Feet. We Americans only like sports that use hands. The feet are for walking and running. That's why we have to create the word soccer. We already had football. Where we use our hands.

2 minutes on if soccer will ever catch on in the US
by HighTimeForCrime
Soccer is a team sport. The US is an individualist country. That’s at the social level.
Look at the biggest superstars, playing in “team” sports. Lebron James. Michael Vick, may hungry dogs eat his soul.
There’s not enough “action”, enough face value entertainment for soccer to be popular in America.